Guys: I’m not single, not dating and definitely not a woman, but I pay attention to life and I have noticed some obvious things you can stop doing today if you ever want to get a date again:

1. Bumper stickers are not your friends: “Vagatarian”, “Gas, Grass or Ass” and all of their witty cousins are not helping you. If you can’t scrape these off your 92 Camry, it’s time to trade that ride in anyway, rent a limo or borrow Mom’s car for the night… Seriously, nothing says single loser like a bumper sticker that says: “Bad sex is better than a good day at work.”

2. Camoflauge: You aren’t hunting, you aren’t taking a date hunting and you are not impressing any woman with your camo rockin, rebel flag wavin, mudder drivin, tobacco dippin, Lynrd Skynnard playin, mullet. (Unless you actually date girls from a swamp). Go to Walmart, buy some chinos and a tee shirt without any writing on it and for God’s sake, comb your hair before you take her to Steak and Shake.

3. Save your enthusiasm for sex until after dinner… Ok Mr. Creepy, women are pretty aware that you are, in your mind, quite the swordsman. If you tell them, up front, that you are only interested in sex you just went to the shallower end of the gene pool. If you like back hair and mustaches that much, try the Men’s ads on Craigslist.

4. They are not foxes. They are not bitches. They are not Ho’s. In general, women are not interested in what you call them when you are on line chatting with your other eternally single friends. The women you are watching on your “membership sites?” They don’t go out with guys like you. Come back to the real world my friend, look in the mirror. Earth-women are people too. I’m pretty sure they didn’t wake up thinking, “Boy, I hope some stranger with a bald spot and a pot belly makes me do disgusting things after dinner.”

5. Yo Mamma. Stop trying to find one. Enough said.

Good luck guys. The competition really isn’t that tough:

Click here to view the embedded video.

 

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