Well, I haven’t been able to write for a week. Not that I can’t write, per se’, God knows, I can always put words together. This is more a matter of inspiration (or lack thereof), nothing seems to be dying to bust out. When I am in flow, I can’t stop writing. In the spirit of working it out, here’s why (a little therapy, pull up a couch, grab some popcorn, this should be car wreck interesting) :
*I’m self editing, of course, that’s the definition of writer’s block. My blog has turned into an on line confessional and that’s not what I set out to do. We are supposed to talk about creation and releasing our beast here. In researching the intersection of creativity and middle life, I have released some demons and all too often been preachy. I am not qualified to be a preacher. Usually, when I am preaching, I am preaching to myself (or asking for help).
*Improv: On stage, I’m not emoting enough, I’m not performing well, so now I’m self editing an activity that is supposed to be completely spontaneous. If I focus on performance, I barrel through my partner’s offers, if I focus on listening, I go all owl like and quiet, trying to get out of my partner’s way. My last teacher was not all that impressed with my skill.This has turned into a phobia, carrying over to everything else I do. What if I have no spontaneity?
*I made videos. Ever hear your own voice on tape? Try it on a video you made with bad lighting and no script. You’ll get quiet too.
*I’ve hurt people with some of the things I’ve written and done. That wasn’t the plan. I’m waking up at night and self editing, words are powerful, I’m not supposed to sucker punch bystanders, especially people I care a lot about. People killed by friendly fire are still dead. “I’m sorry” only works so many times; so I am reluctant to write about emotions at all. What’s left?
*Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. There are morons who take offense at everything said in jest, in the spirit of confession or in explaining my view of the difference between people. (Yes, in many ways, men are different than women). I edit out a lot of funny ideas because I don’t want to hear the nonsense from the slackjawed.
*I have flem. Allergy season in Central Florida.
*You know that movie, “A Beautiful Mind?” Yea, sometimes it gets a little crowded in here, my brain is Grand Central station at rush hour. I never planned to become the crazy uncle.
*Stretching has its downside. Trying new things often illustrates the gap between yourself and really talented, accomplished artists. At first, you are new and it is ok to not be very good at an endeavor. A few years into writing, to learning guitar, to being a performer, you begin to suspect you are a hopeless hack and start to expect things of yourself that are not realistic. (But damn, I should be able to play that solo in Amie by now.)
*My famous daily to do list has fallen to the roadside. I’m floundering a little, not sure of the next direction for the Creative Beast, not able to stick to my diet, not getting consistent workouts in, not serving others enough. Feeling like I am stuck in a bog and preferring to nap whenever given the choice.
Ok, so I’ve said to myself on everyone of these: “Is that shame, blame or justification?” There are some of each. So, resolved, I will re-read this a hundred times today and come up with some ideas to overcome this funk. Thanks for your indulgence and encouragement, I’ll get better and come back with stuff you can use.
I think.
I can only say that naps are AWESOME and I think if more people got a nap on a regular basis, the world would be a better, happier place. Kindergartners have the right idea. But, that comes from a sleep-deprived mind, so it may all be crap.
When I’m feeling out-of-sorts mentally, I cook. Don’t know if you like to, but I really do, and it’s pretty easy for me to find my zen in my kitchen. At least, until I start putting all kinds of unreasonable pressure on myself to create something “perfect.” Then I get pretty bitchy. But that’s not my point. My point is this: change things up a little. Try a new (or long abandoned?) creative outlet. Just a thought!
;o)
Welcome to the ‘professional blues’.
Seems to me that after a honeymoon period and an intense offloading of pretty much what you wanted to say with MAC, you now find yourself going ‘where next?, because I can’t keep this up…’
And that’s fine. Take the pressure off Rick. You are who you are. In your own words allow yourself to suck. You don’t have to helm your flagship if you don’t want to. We don’t expect it. It’s your purpose in life only if you say so. And you’re the only one defining what helming that flagship means. Sometimes it’s necessary to flap around in the doldrums looking for a breeze to catch your sails to carry you off to pastures new.
On the issue of self editing, experience tells me that some people are just going to hate you for breathing, even before you open your mouth. No matter what you say and do you’ll piss them off. So rather than sitting on comfortable middle ground trying to please everyone, maybe stick your neck out more, remove the filter, piss some people off, and attract maybe fewer people but people who are more closely aligned to where you’re at.
From my own experience when things don’t work in one direction, after some effort to try and keep going, (just to make sure I’m not giving up at the first resistance), if I’m still bored silly, I’ll go do something else. Creativity just won’t run nice and neatly in one direction. It’s an anarchic bastard. It doesn’t like rules and conforming. It needs discipline but is also killed by too much. So ride that bucking bronco flow to wherever it takes you. If you’re having fun, that’s a damned good indicator that you’re heading in the right direction.
I’ll leave you with a quote by Willy the Shake, the bard from my side of the water:
‘The course of true love ne’er did run smooth.’
Go well.
I have to get away from it when I get into that mode. I have to physically pick myself up, get out of the house. Do nothing that has to do with writing whatsoever (do people still use this word?). Go for a hike, go swimming, go shopping. If you go shopping, for example, you are not allowed to buy anything having to do with writing. No pens, paper, notepads, or cute little journals. Just take a day off.
Critics are everywhere, even in our own heads. Alot of people actually enjoy criticizing others and their work. You are doing something, they are not. This should be your playground to say whatever you want. If they don’t like it, they can go elsewhere. You could even put a warning label on your site if you want. “If you have no sense of humor, go elsewhere.” -for example.
I like what you write. You inspire someof us to come out from behind the bookshelves. To share and create and to not be afraid of being creative, no matter what our ages. You give us hope that we are not too old to be creative.
Sounds like you need a couple of days on your boat. Fishing without bait and listening to the waves lap against the hull. Getting beet red in the sun while drinking margaritas. UNPLUG for a while, my friend! (just don’t pick up a golf club…)
I have the answer…. a little wine and do a HUGE painting…….. cure all….lol
Okay Rick. You are writing every day but it sounds to me like there’s pressure from the moment the pen hits paper or fingers hit keys. And perhaps the voice screams — THIS HAS TO BE BRILLIANT! It doesn’t. The words merely need to be released as you so lovingly say to us. And since they come from your heart and soul, they are wonderful, entertaining, inspiring, creative, funny, motivating and all of that. The silly hangover post the other day might have something to do with dulled creativity. Just saying….As for spontaneity, seek ye to laugh and the rest shall follow. Laughter Yoga is alive and well in Florida, too. You may be surprised at what shakes out of you….spontaneity, creativity, good sleep, good vibrations, weight loss…..Your vulnerability is much appreciated as part of releasing the beast. Not too many of us are wiling to put that out there. But you do it each day. And it’s all good. And to use a Biblical metaphor…even God rested on the seventh day. And heaven knows, that seventh day lasted a long, long, long time!