When I was growing up, my neighborhood had a guy who waved. It was, in my travels, something you’d see from time to time: some guy whose mission in life was to get out to the end of the driveway and happily wave at cars all day. The guy in our neighborhood was “Bill” and while everyone knew Bill wasn’t quite right; he was harmless enough. He stood out on Daggett Ave and, as far as I know, he might still be there.
One time, I even saw Charles Kuralt do a piece on “Wavers”, some guys in Alabama, Father and Son, who just happily waved at cars all day, just like Bill. I don’t see Wavers anymore and I think I know why. They are all holed up in their basements and on the internet. Yup, the wavers, the letters to the editor guy, the “Get off my lawn” woman and the cat hoarder are all there too. They’ve been mainstreamed, thanks to social media.
If you are a creative person, you have to be careful to follow your own instincts, to deliver the message from your heart or you will find that the wavers and cat ladies are controlling your work. Democracy is a messy business and you have to be careful the squeakiest wheels aren’t the ones deciding what your work is about: that is your job. Your paintings, your writing, your photo’s have to represent your emotion, your point of view or they are no longer yours. If you try to please everyone, you are destined to a life of hackdom.
At least once a week, my little blog or Facebook page gets me called a “jerk”, a “sexist”, or informs me that someone is “offended.” I’ve come to learn, if I’m not offending enough people, I’m not saying it right. And here’s the joy of it: once you learn to let the wavers wave all they want, it isn’t your problem. Toxic relationships are not something you have to play with, in real life and, especially, in the cyber world. The block button is a wonderful tool, I recommend it.
“Painbodies” as author Eckhardt Tolle calls them, are the parts of us that carry around slights we can’t forget, anger we can’t release and aggression we can’t control. You can spot someone with a painbody when they go off on an innocent store clerk, cut you off maliciously in traffic or scream at you in all caps when you mention that you don’t like a folk group from the fifties. Someone is exhibiting a painbody when they say they are offended because you have not chosen to become a vegetarian or when you post a Seth Godin interview about marketing. A Painbody says, “Recognize me and my ego, share my pain. I will distribute this pain to you because it deflects it from me.”
Some people find the best way to communicate is to bully, whether it be with the wheel of their SUV, the letters of the keyboard, the “I’m offended card” or the guilt of a relationship. We all have our soft spots, we all want to be liked and it is easy to succumb to the person who makes us feel bad about standing up for ourselves. Being creative makes you vulnerable enough, listening to people whose only gift is criticism is the surest way to frustration and a painbody of your own.
Bill, as far as I know, didn’t have a painbody, he’d probably hit the “Like” button on every post he sees. Somewhere between Bill and the the person who starts screaming at you in all caps is where the rest of us try to live, although we all have our moments. As a creative person, I hope you recognize that emotion can bring out emotions, you can’t control what your work evokes. If you evoke something: thought, laughter, anger, sarcasm, then you are probably close to the mark.
So, my suggestion is to set some boundaries. Allow that not everyone will like your work, but don’t let them insult or manipulate you. Allow that you can’t control someone else’s reaction. And; realize that if someone gets under your skin, it is because you have allowed it. People, in general, will treat you the way you let them, if your work matters to you, it is up to you to let people know when they have crossed the line.
Even if you are sometimes a “jerk”. Just wave at them and smile! Bill was onto something!
I used to volunteer-manage a nonprofit convention, a massive 3-day 24-hour-a-day beast with up to 17 tracks of event programming at any given time, 250 volunteers and staff reporting to me in ten departments from dealer coordination to guest services, logistics, public safety, registration, live programming, video programming and so forth, and thousands of attendees. It took typically 18 months to+ plan and coordinate each one, and with them running every year that meant typically working on two at once. It was a work of joy – but also one where I had to set some serious boundaries because I’m hypersensitive to those “painbody sharers” when I’m exhausted – like immediately following a 3-day 24-hour-a-day event with up to 17 tracks of event programming at one time, for instance. So I made some rules like putting one of my Directors who had a thick skin and cheerful face in charge of the end of con “gripe session” where we got attendee feedback, and refusing to read the convention forum for two weeks post convention (assigned the same Director to tell me if anything really was on fire). Then by the time I had slept, eaten, and taken eighteen more showers, I was ready to cope with the fact that a good number of the people giving feedback were trolls or had impossible expectations, because there were always those ones scattered between the raving fans and the people who had legitimate and logical concerns. They weighed far too much on my mind when I was vulnerable to them, so I put them in the queue where I could address them when I was closer to “waver” status myself. I wouldn’t have done this insane level of volunteer work if I weren’t a waver, but when totally tapped out it’s easy to grant too much power to the other side of the seesaw.
As usual, wonderful. I wrote a similar post last week about dealing with difficult people. I have been way guilty of letting mean people keep me from writing. I love the ones who want to critique. Last time I attended a writers’ meeting, I listened to a 15 minute lecture on the importance of using the correct font. “Most editors,” the group said, “want submissions in Times New Roman.” Funny. I’ve had more published pieces than those “experts,” but they had attended more recent writing workshops. More recently, I exchanged critiques with a pompous sort who lectured me about how prologues are passe. It takes me so long to recover from those harsh words that I finally decided pretty much what you’ve writtern here, that I just don’t have time to take those critics to heart too much. Lose five years here, three years there, and pretty soon, there’s no time left to create.
Pam: Do what your heart says and EVERYTHING else does not matter! LDW
Pam, it’s hard enough to create without letting the legal guys, the jealous and the stupid “help” you. Just as a State Trooper is “helping” you to drive safer when he gives you a ticket, all these people who have never tried to do anything themselves are “helping” you. Screw them. (Ooops, I’m being a jerk again.)
I LOVE the article on “WAVERS”! Why oh why can’t we have more of the “WAVERS” and a whole lot less of the “Painbodies”. I call them walking vacuums….you know people who just suck all the air out of your lungs, but age and wisdom have taught me to pity them for wasting so much energy when they could be loving someone or something….
Inspiring and thought provoking bit of writing. Some of us have spent many years re -”acting” based on input we should have allowed to be carried far away by a passing breeze. The lesson of NOT being able to control another’s reactions to myself or my work took a long time to master! Thanks for the insights, Rick.
4 SURE Dude! Hi Guy! Love it!
Had never heard of “Wavers” or Painbodies.” I imagine we all prefer the Wavers- no harm, no foul- people.
Almost always VISIBLY happy; makes one want to grin right back. As for the Painbodies, especially if one
is part of one’s immediate family, they require much more emotional gear to deal with them. I feel sorry for
them. If they spent even half the time it takes for them to be jerks and put that energy into doing for
others, they’d see a huge difference in “their” world, as would those of us with whom they deal. I had a
friend years ago tell me when a family member was ugly to her, she just told them, “You don’t have to be
so nice to me, MY birthday isn’t for another few months.” Sarcastic, but it got to the point, especially
when not shouted back.As usual , another thought- provoking erudite blog.
Didn’t Ricky Nelson sing that song? That dates me. Of course, I’ve always liked The Kingston Trio- true
“Folk Music” in a time when Rock and Roll dominated.