The hostile forces who occupy my house (my grown children), were sure that I don’t like leftovers. I didn’t even know that was a thing; that they have all of these misconceptions. Today, I explained to them that I enjoy leftovers immensely but our current food storage system scares the death out of me. (I don’t even want to know what other conclusions they have come to about my behavior. I’m too young to be eccentric, so I’m pretty sure the occupying army regards me with great suspicion. They should. I have lured them here to eat my food and take run of my premises because I am desperate for happiness after a lifetime at sea with the Merchant Marines.) Back to my point: Tupperware is the biggest problem I have.

Tupperware was invented when the creators of biological weapons realized that juice boxes were not the most appropriate packaging for weapons of mass destruction by the scientists at Tupper Industries (a subsidiary of Stark Industries). Yes, Ironman himself created 14 basic Tupperware containers with 11 easy matching tops. “No, that freaking round top is 1/4 centimeter off for this round container,” end users found that attempting to contain Saran Gas in the lab was not the time to be going through stacks and stacks of non-fitting tops- and the country returned to storing saran under Iraqi daycare centers (where it belongs). Stark Industries was stuck with a product that no one good sell; they enlisted its cadre of domestic housewife-spies to solve the problem. These sleeper agents began to invite their friends to “house parties” where they used peer pressure and badly made hot dog appetizers to coerce their neighbors into paying money for the Tupper Industrial Companies product: Ware.

Tupper’s Ware sales were astounding, housewives seemed to not mind the trouble with the lids and used patience and Motherly kindness to slip them on just right. The new customers began to use Tupperware for its original purpose: chemical storage.  For generations. millions of houses across the world are growing various molds and bacteria and it is estimated that a full 2% of those homes are growing actual biological weapons with plans to distribute them through multi-level marketing house parties. The rest of us, whose spouses are not sleeper biological engineers, are subject to leftover bingo. Do I pull a semi-stuck top of the pasta I made last night or do I lose and open the pasta I made for Valentines Day?

And that’s why I don’t like leftovers.

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