It is often embarrassing to tell people you live in Florida. Today’s headline informs us that a guy here died after a “live roach eating contest.” A man, presumably voluntarily (or at the loss of a bet), ate roaches after another man (we can safely assume it was a man) decided he’d hold a contest. He knew someone would show up to eat live roaches.

We are, after all, in Florida. Entertainment abounds. You can’t escape it.

Last month I was on my walk and came upon a child of God who walking across the road and employed in the landscape design and maintenance industry. He was judged, by someone smarter than him, to be capable of operating a gasoline powered device known as a weedwhacker.  As I walked past him, I couldn’t help but notice that he was filling the tank of the device with petrol (fuel, gas, flammable liquid…) while smoking a cigarette that had at least two inches of ash hanging off. I knew better, but I couldn’t stop myself,

“Dude, you are pouring gas in there while you are smoking.” Honestly, I only said something because I was walking within the potential debris field and my cautionary words were met with all the appreciation and understanding that you might expect.

“Why Thank You kind stranger! I almost caused an explosion that surely would have severely injured or killed me! I am in your debt.”

Yea, not so much, I really got this:

“Oh hell, that ain’t nothin. Nothins gonna happen. Lookey here (He REALLY said “lookey here”) and I did what any reasonable person would do when hearing someone with a lit cig and a tank of gas say “lookey here:” I kept walking, out of shrapnel range, terrified of getting covered in blowed up dumbass.

“No!! Look, Watch this!!” And he poured gasoline on the sidewalk and I am guessing his next move was to light it and the gas tank on fire to prove that he was mightier than common sense. I kept walking and didn’t look back, I was not going to get my name in the paper over this one.

Florida has its own breed of superhero, the not so rare Floridian Dumbass and they are everywhere. If they aren’t getting misspelled tattoos, they are driving pickup trucks with 12 foot Confederate flags or eating live roaches. When the circus comes to Florida, the sideshow acts work for free just so they can see the freaks that pay to see them. If they aren’t losing an arm to a gator they’ve been illegally feeding, they are probably home rescuing their baby from their pet Boa Constrictor. They are, indeed, mightier than common sense.

So, when election night rolls around and a commentator says this; “All eyes are on Florida,”  you should know this:

We Are Screwed.




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