Here’s another reason not to go to Chic Fil A.  I’m driving my son to high school, a task I don’t enjoy, but suspect I’ll miss when he gets his license in a few months. It’s dark, I’m sleepy, he wants food, we haven’t said a lot. Into the drive through:

“Good morning, this is whoever, it will be my pleasure to serve you this morning.”

“Umm, ok, # 7 with a sweet tea and a large coffee, 4 creams.”

“We’ll be delighted to get that for you sir, we look forward to serving you at the window.”

“You are more excited than we are.”

We pull forward. Miss Perky, who is probably putting her kids through school or, (I hope for her sake) bucking for management, has drunk the company kool aid. She is a LOT more awake than we are, fortunately: sarcasm never sleeps.

“Here is your hot freshly brewed Colombian coffee.” She said it has if she were serving a five star meal.

“Out of Arabica?”

“Excuse me sir?”

“Well, Colombian isn’t my favorite… never mind.”

“I’m so sorry sir, here is your delicious breakfast. Can we offer you any condiments (and names every condiment used in America).

“No, I don’t use them.”


“Cond… Never mind. Thank you Human Commercial.”

And on we went, away from her shining countenance and into the darkness. Chic Fil A leaves nothing to chance, they make their drive through people learn lines! Why take a chance that we might have a human interchange? Nope, much better to stick to script.

Branding isn’t for sissies.

It made me nostalgic for the static filled drive through voice of the bored teenagers I grew up ordering from…


“Is that it?”


“Anything else?” (Sighs and exhales at once).

“Breakfast sandwich.”

“Pull forward to the window.”

“But I’m not done…”

And, they always say they’ll see you “at the window.” Where else are we going to go? Must you tell us to drive to the window? Afraid we will drive aimlessly around the building until we give up, hurl our money out of our cars, and scream in anguish until someone brings us trans fat and caffeine?

Like Frankie Pantangeli said in the Godfather, “Mikey, look, I don’t have your head for big deals.” I guess I don’t understand the big business of drive through chicken sandwiches, but I’m pretty sure most people that I’ve met could figure out how to dispense breakfast without rehearsing their lines.

“We are excited to serve you at the window!” Puuuuuleeze. After a while, words loose their meaning when used out of context. I mean, how freaking excited could this woman be about giving me coffee, from Colombia or not, while earning minimum wage? I want a little honesty with my coffee, save the commercials for prime time! Chic Fil A, if you want actors to read your lines, then hire union people and pay scale, the poor workers you are demeaning are just trying to make it through the day.







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