Let’s face it, who hasn’t wanted to write a hit country song? Imagine having Martina McBride or Keith Urban thank you for your great song at an awards ceremony as the camera quickly pans to you, smiling humbly while surrounded by adoring fans and family. Yes sireee Bob, you could tell your boss to shove his job by singing about drinking beer on the beach or about the great love (or fish) that got away. You could do this! Anyway, I wish I could, I love country music!

We here at Middle Aged Crazy, in conjunction with K- Tel Records, are nothing if not available to help you reach your creative dreams, always here to help, consider us your muse. Today we are going to reveal

THE SECRETS OF COUNTRY SONGWRITERS!!

Country music is criticized for having a limited subject variety, but country, compared to other genre’s, paints with a pretty broad brush. If you’re Jimmy Buffett, you only have to write about beaches or beer or beaches and beer. The blues is about being blue, having been blue or planning to be blue. Death metal is about death, rap is about bitches, reggae is about ganja and bluegrass is about possums.

Rock and roll, of course, is about selling records.

Country songs have a story, music for the common man (or common woman), especially if you happen to be Caucasian and Republican (or Darius Rucker. or Charly Pride or the Dixie Chicks). Country is about life, (especially if your life includes camouflage and a ranch). We’ve done exhaustive research to come up with a list of country song story starters, pick any two of these and we guarantee you will be on stage at the Ryman before you can say Achey Brakey Heart.

America: (Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood make money whenever hostilities erupt)

Country Music: (There’s lot of songs about country songs)

Any metaphor for sex, including fishing. (Don’t cross that line, keep it clean for Drive Time!)

Losing/ Finding a love

Losing/ Finding your dog

Losing/ Finding your daughter’s dog/ horse/ Momma

She Left, I’m Waiting for Her.

Momma

Momma Left, Daddies Waiting for Her.

Daddy Left, I have a Step Dad who loved me.

God, Jesus

Prayers

A Father’s Love as a metaphor for God’s love

Jesus Left, I’m waiting for him.

Vacation (Beaches, drinking and going broke references are required)

Drinking (Everybody has to have a good drinking songs for Coeds at their concerts, bless their hearts!)

Quiting Drinking

Dying From Drinking

Rain (Especially standing in)

Country Music (When in doubt, sing more about singing).

Line Dancin (Everybody has to have a good song for the divorcees to dance to in clubs, bless their hearts!)

Lonely

Really, Really Lonely (Vince Gill has this pretty much wrapped up).

Not Lonely Anymore

Hate My Job

Need a Job

I Work Hard at My Job (Truck reference required in all job related songs).

My Farm

Losing My Farm

Riding a Tractor on my farm

She cheated on me (Again, keep it clean, drive time radio!)

She shouldn’t have cheated on me

We cheated together

Some old guy who gave you wisdom, beer, money or all of the above.

Trucks, Tractors, Convertibles (We love to drive, especially away)

America: What’s the matter with you, you driving a Korean car?

Dirt Roads, Back Roads (Preferably red with picket fences).

Home, Hometown (Especially going back to the fat girl waiting on the farm).

My Daughter (Butterflies and unicorn references help a lot)

My Daughter’s Dying Momma

Being Rebellious, Being Obedient (You are either completely defiant or loyal at all times)

I’m a Tough Country Girl/Guy (Obligatory Red Neck line must be included)

Country Music (Sing about getting rich at singing.)

So, there you have it! Your formula for success: you’ll be on the Opry in no time! Or, you could just listen to the late and missed Steve Goodman:

Click here to view the embedded video.

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